Fresh and Easy Pasadena - m4m (Pasadena)
Hi. We literally ran into each other near the dairy section. You had a cart, I was wearing roller blades. I fell and knocked you down--you helped me up. Sorry about the eggs that broke. I offered to pay for your shirt to be dry-cleaned because you spilled your Peet's coffee all over yourself. You were so nice. What color are my eyes? You commented on them. I owe you a coffee.
As you can see, Craigslist can bring us true love, or at least sad (yet, classy) attempts to find love. If “Eggs Guy” wanted to know Mr. Rollerblades, (I hate people who ride them indoors) he would have made it happen. Drop it, Mr. Rollerblades, and roll on to the next tragic encounter. (Ouch. Harsh.) Craigslist.com can bring us more than just “love.” It can also hook us up with sex, jobs, used cars and many other things. It is an online world of crazy sh*t! From my experience, the best use of Craigslist.com is to find a roommate and an apartment. It is free and easy. (Like most guys in West Hollywood.)
Many of us have lived with roommates. We have experienced living with friends or strangers through out college or after college. We have learned how to communicate about issues that come up with our cohabiters. We have learned the other person’s (or people’s) schedule and how that person does things. We have learned how it is to live with someone who has a significant other that may stay over all of the d*mn time. (Bitch, pay rent!) We have braved the ups and downs of living with someone. Sadly, for some of us, we have had more downs with roommates than ups. This is the case for me.
I want to take a break from all the dating talk and focus on a different type of relationship. I want to help in a new way and pass on my vast knowledge. I have lived alone for the last two years, and there is a reason for that. Let me tell you about my history in Los Angeles using Craigslist.com. These stories may make you laugh or cry, but they will definitely make you screen roommates from now on. (Don’t screen, just live alone.)
Understand that before moving to L.A., I had bad luck with roommates even then. There was my gothic college roommate who I saw five times in three months. There were the frat boys for a summer who were f*ckin’ crazy bastards. There was the house of 10 people, and all those f*ckin’ crazy bastards. Then there was the roommate who left lovely notes to me, addressing me as “fudge packer,” and “butt pirate” after I came out, and our friendship went south. (You think?) He was a bastard! Not just any bastard, but a pale-ass homely bastard with nibblet teeth. (You know the kind of teeth that look like the tooth is running away fro the gums.)
So, when I prepared to move to Los Angeles, I lined up an apartment. I wanted no drama or assh*les. I was planning to live in a great apartment in the heart of West Hollywood with a UCLA graduate student. He was cool, around my age and just getting over a break-up. He was emotionally ready to want company, but not going to try and get on me. (Perfect!) I was so excited and happy that it was all working out. One week before I was getting ready to move, he called me. (Of course he did.) Come to find out the bitch got back together with his ex-boyfriend and he didn’t want to include a roommate. (F*ck me, right!)
I instantly jumped on Craigslist to figure out what my options were. I searched like a whore looking for a customer on Santa Monica Blvd. so that he could get his fix after he earned $20. I was crazed! I eventually found a guy who was renting out his living room in a one-bedroom apartment, but bitch please, that was beneath Colby. And really, a $1,000 for the sofa? (Welcome to L.A.!) Well, ladies, I had to take it because I ran out of time. We had several phone conversations that week, and I moved in that weekend. I moved in so quickly, I felt like a lesbian after a first date. (Um, U-Haul anyone?) He seemed normal enough, but I guess, so did Ted Bundy to some of his victims.
I moved in, and we are going to fast-forward past the requests that I share his bad, past the weird men who came to our door and past his zit-popping in general areas we both used. Oh yes, he was a gem! Can you imagine a man like that being single? Can’t be! Well, I would like to say that he also liked to streak by the TV fully nude, and he really should have warned a bitch before showing that business off. (If I didn’t want to share the bed before, I really didn’t want to after that spectacle.) He also liked to say “Yeah, Jesus!” after random things, like getting a pound of apples at Smart & Final for $2. Yeah, Jesus! (Who knows what he said while orgasming.) Needless to say, I left after about two months.
Next, I moved in with the “Russian Liar.” He was a straight guy that said he rarely had guests, never did drugs and that his parents had held on to the apartment for years. (That part was true.) I thought it would work out splendidly. Shortly after moving in, my bathroom went tits up, and he would not contact the building to fix it. The building was 99% Russian and the management didn’t know about me, so I was at his mercy. Then he started smoking pot with friends and his new “live-in girlfriend” (no friends, my hot ass!) all of the time, and then I found out that I paid $1,050 for rent (plus mutha’ f*ckin’ utilities) and the rent was $1,175. I kid you not! Mommy and Daddy kept it under the old lease and it was rent-controlled. I left one weekend he was gone since I never signed anything. I left him a lovely note detailing what I found out about the rent and peaced out. Needless to say he was not happy.
SIDE NOTE: That building was amazing! It was a dump, but the people were so blatantly honest … my dream come true. I said to him one day, “I feel like everyone stares at me when I am in the lobby. They stop talking and look at me. Is it me?” He said, “Yes. You aren’t Russian and they can tell.” It was amazing! For the first time in my life it wasn’t me jumping to conclusions. From then on, I waved and smiled to every bitch in that f*ckin’ lobby. I loved them!
I then moved into a place alone, but got lonely and decided to have roommates again. I then took up residence in a house in east Hollywood with three queens. These bitches don’t deserve a long story. It ended after their house parties and other bullsh*t with a conversation amongst the four of us. (“House meeting." ) Am I in a sorority? (Tri-Fags?) They informed me that it was not working out. They said I never helped them clean up after their parties (that I never was present for) and that I never helped them garden. (Que?) Let me fill you in on this little tidbit. When the “gardening” was mentioned, I told them, “Bitches, I rent for a reason. When you decided to put the “garden” in, I told you that it was your business, which you agreed to. It was not my thing. Okaaay?” This lady doesn’t hoe or mow. I was voted out.
Next on the list was an apartment in Woodland “Gateway to Hell” Hills. I didn’t know about that area, the temperature and the traffic when I made this move. It coincided with my time at the clothing optional hotel, so life was f*ckin’ grand. (Read the blog on bad jobs.) The guy renting out the two rooms seemed okay, and the other renter was cool. (We ended up tickling the pickle. Mmmmm, pickles.) We soon saw that the guy, who rented to us, was um, how you say? Bat-sh*t crazy! He would have tricks over at 5 a.m., and I would run into them in the dark in MY bathroom. (WTF?) It sealed the deal when we (the normal ones) walked out to find him naked, face up and drugged out in the middle of the living room at 8 a.m. It was like a sitcom. We walked out in our PJs, both looked down at the same time, then up at each other without saying a word and walked right back into our rooms. We put our notice in to the building that day.
I lived alone for the next year and a half because an apartment came with my new job. Are you tired yet? Do you want to shut yourself away from people altogether? I am sweating as I type. Fast forward to a new position with my current employer, and I was back on Craigslist.
I moved in with a roommate once again. An Australian guy who was renting out a room in his condo. This roommate was so off-his-meds insane that I fear typing about him because he might read this and come after me. He was abusive, rude, and bipolar, had ADHD and had several addictions. One of them being sex with anything that had a d*ck. Ugly, fat and old included! I ran away and left a bed, two lamps, a rug and anything he stole from my packed boxes. (I am not kidding.) He needs deported, but I am sure Australia would pay to fix the oil spill down South before taking him back.
Then I moved in with a woman and we got along, but that b*tch was a mooooch! She also liked to invite the ladies from 18-and-over clubs to our place. (Mind you she was 35 years old.) I am telling you, it has been an amazing Craigslist ride.
I now live alone with my dog. Though I hate my neighbors, I don’t have to live with them in my apartment. From being referred to as a butt pirate to having my things stolen, and from hooking up with roommates to drugged-out slutty skanks, I have experienced it all.
Los Angeles is a wonderful place, and Craigslist.com can be used for good, but screen all the applicants. Listen to your gut. It is better to crash with a friend and store your belongings while you find the perfect place then to get stuck with a psycho nudist. Can you feel me? Relationships can be tricky, but at least with dating you get sex out of it. With a roommate (though I got some sex, okaaay) you don’t get the sex, but you still have to put up with the issues and moods.
Let me leave you all with a few rules when looking for a new roommate:
1. Screen the sh*t out of prospects. Exchange emails, talk on the phone and hang out at least two times one-on-one. You need to see if the chemistry will work between the two of you. You need to know if this person has a tendency to steal from a bitch, or use the last of your mutha’ f*ckin’ Jiff peanut butter. (I lived that.) Also, you want a heads-up if you are going to get stuck with paying the utilities because he becomes unemployed. (Again, lived that.)
2. Ask questions. Know what you are moving in with. That person comes with issues, friends and a whole lot of other things. Find out the dirt, but in a get-to-know-you way. If there is going to be drama and sh*t, get out while you can.
3. Answer the questions they ask, but like a first date, put your best foot forward. No one wants to hear about your drama and sh*t.
4. Use your head, bitches, and listen to you gut. That is most important!
Happy hunting ladies!
May 18, 2010
May 5, 2010
COUGARS, FOXES and CAT EYES, OH MY!
DISCLAIMER: Due to illness, schedule conflicts and technical difficulties (aka some how my sh*t got erased after it was almost finished) my latest blog is very late. My sincere apologies to my fans.
Golda Meir once said, “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.” Mind you “she” has the grill of a hobbit who got hit with a rusty shovel.
I have to point out that many people seem to disagree with Miss Meir. The beauty industry makes approximately $160 billion per year, so that’s a lot of cheese that people are willing spend in order to fight the inevitable storm. Beauty is godliness in our society, and the money spent proves that to be true. What makes someone even more beautiful? Youth. Everyone wants to be in their 20s, or at least look like they are in their 20s. (Well a 60 year old might settle for 40 again, but you get what I am saying.) We want less lines, supple skin and firm titties and butts. No? (Mmmm … butts.)
Let me break this sh*t down for ya’ll. When we are hot bitches in our 20s, we are like beach front property in Malibu. (Example: Colby). We are on top of the world when we are young. We get what we want, and we think nothing can go wrong. As we get older, we move further and further away from the beach, and soon we are a double wide in a trailer park in the middle of Wyoming. (The land with more deer than people.) We want to hold on to the power of youth, and people go to great lengths to hold on. The three ways people try to recreate youth are with what they wear, how they alter their appearance and whom they date. I am going to hit on all of these issues, maybe not in that order, and I am going to keep it short and to the point. My opinions are simple on this topic, and bitches I gots something to say.
AGE INAPPROPRIATE DATING
I am not going to beat around the bush. We have seen these couples with huge age gaps. We know it’s not about love, but about ego and arm candy. If you are a 45-year-old-lawyer who has been there and done it all, why are you dating a 20-year-old-undergrad? Please explain to me what you have in common, and tell me how you envision this relationship to play out. Or, why do older men and women date out-of-work “models”? I know that you, with your job, car, house, etc. have a lot in common with such a motivated young person. (Sure.) I know what you have in common … f*cking. You want to feel young and attractive, and if everyone sees what you can get, then you are young and attractive by association.
If it is just sex … cool! More power to you. You are a cougar or a daddy, so own it, and let it be what it is. Don’t try and cover it up with “dating,” because it is not going to go anywhere, and you don’t look more attractive, young or desirable because you have arm candy. You look like a person who never had luck in love or had false ideas of what you wanted or deserved. Now you are stuck. Love is not about having a play-thing or arm candy. A healthy relationship involves things in common, the ability to grow together and many other factors. I challenge you cougs and daddies to grow and find someone age appropriate to date, because the camouflage of someone else’s youth doesn’t work. My rule is normally 10 above and 10 below, so learn it, live it and love it! One final thing … people see you with your arm candy and they don’t think “stud”. They think, “Gurl pays for it!” (Enough said. Peace.)
AGE INAPPROPRIATE CLOTHING
Have you ever been at a shopping center and seen a 40-something woman going into Forever 21, and there’s not a daughter in sight? Anyone? She is, of course, a walking mannequin for the store with complimentary Uggs. (Hot!) Tell me, how is it a store with a Bible verse on its bag can promote such slutty clothing to young women? (John 3:16 … look it up!)
Have you ever seen her male equivalent, a 50-something man with blond highlights walking into Abercrombie and Fitch? You know that homo is there for himself because he is sporting the ever-so-stylish sleeveless t-shirt that reads, “I survived spring break, one bed at a time.” Then you think to yourself, “When the f*ck were you on spring break last?”
Let me speak directly to all of these offenders. No matter if you have Abercrombie or Forever 21 covering your aging body … no one believes you are younger. What you look like is someone trying hard, and someone who has no style of their own. If you are over the age of 30, please develop or find some personal style. You can be current, trendy and comfortable in age appropriate items.
Ladies … stop with the “low rise” and tube tops, and adopt appropriate items into your wardrobe. If we can see C-section scars … too low! I am not saying you have to wear mom jeans or granny panties. You know the kinds that allow you to tuck your titties in them they are so high. (At least you wouldn’t need a bra.) Look stylish and not desperate. This goes for you men too. Stop with the camo cargo shorts (cargo shorts in general), the sleeveless T’s and the overly decorated jeans. Get some sleek, stylish and appropriate jeans.
No one wants to see your 40-something-year-old thong out of your Juicy Couture sweats! No one wants to see you in camo shorts that were intended for a 20-year-old frat boy who over-slept and ran to class! I challenge you to get personal style, and stop buying right off the display. You can look hot for your age, and no one will be talking sh*t behind your back.
Go shopping and move with the times, and stop chasing after years lost. (I am spent.)
INAPPROPRIATE … JUST INAPPROPRIATE AT ALL AGES!
Ok, this is simple. If you are going under the knife, make sure it is with a good doctor, that it is modest and don’t have false ideas of what is actually possible. You want natural and not fake. This goes for all ages, but when older folks do it, and do a major overhaul, it comes out freakish.
I assure you that 95% of patients walk out looking like they were nipped and tucked. Some of these women (or men) have been lifted so many times, that their Brazilians are now a soul patches. (Okkayy?) We all see Michelle, Courtney, Demi and Cindy and think, “Who is her doctor?” We want to be them. We want to age well and look natural while doing it. (Let me say, none of it is natural, but with money you can get many things accomplished.) Then we see Melanie, Joan, Meg and Mickey and we say, “F*ckin’ damn! What were you thinking?” (Mickey made vomit a little in my mouth in “The Wrestler”.) These people went over the top. They don’t look fresh and younger. They look overdone and on the verge (if not already there) of Cat Eyes. Lips are not that big in nature and should never look painful! They had money too, but something went wrong.
Consult professionals and get multiple opinions. Ask the questions. You cannot turn back time after you go under the knife, so start small and do your research. (Maybe injectables first … just saying. Not that I have done them. You can’t prove it!)
I personally know a lady who is about 40, but looks 50 trying to be 40. She started way too early and has had way too much done. To avoid this being you, try eating healthy, exercising, sleeping, using SPF, limiting the amounts of partying and late nights and don’t stress out all of the time. Skincare is key and it doesn’t need to involve knives or needles. Start out with living well, and you won’t have so much damage control later. When the time is right, move forward with other things, but be careful.
In conclusion, be age appropriate in all you do, b*tches. Use your head and listen to your gut. (No don’t. Just listen to me.) If people are staring at you, and you are an offender in any of these areas, know this, they may be laughing at you and not admiring you. It is simple and sweet. Move with the times and be age appropriate. This will get you a lot more admiration and healthier relationships.
Strive to never look desperate, ridiculous and freakish. Never appear to be someone who pays for “it.” Always strive to look current, fresh and worthy of envy. Okkaay? Questions? I didn’t think so.
Golda Meir once said, “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.” Mind you “she” has the grill of a hobbit who got hit with a rusty shovel.
I have to point out that many people seem to disagree with Miss Meir. The beauty industry makes approximately $160 billion per year, so that’s a lot of cheese that people are willing spend in order to fight the inevitable storm. Beauty is godliness in our society, and the money spent proves that to be true. What makes someone even more beautiful? Youth. Everyone wants to be in their 20s, or at least look like they are in their 20s. (Well a 60 year old might settle for 40 again, but you get what I am saying.) We want less lines, supple skin and firm titties and butts. No? (Mmmm … butts.)
Let me break this sh*t down for ya’ll. When we are hot bitches in our 20s, we are like beach front property in Malibu. (Example: Colby). We are on top of the world when we are young. We get what we want, and we think nothing can go wrong. As we get older, we move further and further away from the beach, and soon we are a double wide in a trailer park in the middle of Wyoming. (The land with more deer than people.) We want to hold on to the power of youth, and people go to great lengths to hold on. The three ways people try to recreate youth are with what they wear, how they alter their appearance and whom they date. I am going to hit on all of these issues, maybe not in that order, and I am going to keep it short and to the point. My opinions are simple on this topic, and bitches I gots something to say.
AGE INAPPROPRIATE DATING
I am not going to beat around the bush. We have seen these couples with huge age gaps. We know it’s not about love, but about ego and arm candy. If you are a 45-year-old-lawyer who has been there and done it all, why are you dating a 20-year-old-undergrad? Please explain to me what you have in common, and tell me how you envision this relationship to play out. Or, why do older men and women date out-of-work “models”? I know that you, with your job, car, house, etc. have a lot in common with such a motivated young person. (Sure.) I know what you have in common … f*cking. You want to feel young and attractive, and if everyone sees what you can get, then you are young and attractive by association.
If it is just sex … cool! More power to you. You are a cougar or a daddy, so own it, and let it be what it is. Don’t try and cover it up with “dating,” because it is not going to go anywhere, and you don’t look more attractive, young or desirable because you have arm candy. You look like a person who never had luck in love or had false ideas of what you wanted or deserved. Now you are stuck. Love is not about having a play-thing or arm candy. A healthy relationship involves things in common, the ability to grow together and many other factors. I challenge you cougs and daddies to grow and find someone age appropriate to date, because the camouflage of someone else’s youth doesn’t work. My rule is normally 10 above and 10 below, so learn it, live it and love it! One final thing … people see you with your arm candy and they don’t think “stud”. They think, “Gurl pays for it!” (Enough said. Peace.)
AGE INAPPROPRIATE CLOTHING
Have you ever been at a shopping center and seen a 40-something woman going into Forever 21, and there’s not a daughter in sight? Anyone? She is, of course, a walking mannequin for the store with complimentary Uggs. (Hot!) Tell me, how is it a store with a Bible verse on its bag can promote such slutty clothing to young women? (John 3:16 … look it up!)
Have you ever seen her male equivalent, a 50-something man with blond highlights walking into Abercrombie and Fitch? You know that homo is there for himself because he is sporting the ever-so-stylish sleeveless t-shirt that reads, “I survived spring break, one bed at a time.” Then you think to yourself, “When the f*ck were you on spring break last?”
Let me speak directly to all of these offenders. No matter if you have Abercrombie or Forever 21 covering your aging body … no one believes you are younger. What you look like is someone trying hard, and someone who has no style of their own. If you are over the age of 30, please develop or find some personal style. You can be current, trendy and comfortable in age appropriate items.
Ladies … stop with the “low rise” and tube tops, and adopt appropriate items into your wardrobe. If we can see C-section scars … too low! I am not saying you have to wear mom jeans or granny panties. You know the kinds that allow you to tuck your titties in them they are so high. (At least you wouldn’t need a bra.) Look stylish and not desperate. This goes for you men too. Stop with the camo cargo shorts (cargo shorts in general), the sleeveless T’s and the overly decorated jeans. Get some sleek, stylish and appropriate jeans.
No one wants to see your 40-something-year-old thong out of your Juicy Couture sweats! No one wants to see you in camo shorts that were intended for a 20-year-old frat boy who over-slept and ran to class! I challenge you to get personal style, and stop buying right off the display. You can look hot for your age, and no one will be talking sh*t behind your back.
Go shopping and move with the times, and stop chasing after years lost. (I am spent.)
INAPPROPRIATE … JUST INAPPROPRIATE AT ALL AGES!
Ok, this is simple. If you are going under the knife, make sure it is with a good doctor, that it is modest and don’t have false ideas of what is actually possible. You want natural and not fake. This goes for all ages, but when older folks do it, and do a major overhaul, it comes out freakish.
I assure you that 95% of patients walk out looking like they were nipped and tucked. Some of these women (or men) have been lifted so many times, that their Brazilians are now a soul patches. (Okkayy?) We all see Michelle, Courtney, Demi and Cindy and think, “Who is her doctor?” We want to be them. We want to age well and look natural while doing it. (Let me say, none of it is natural, but with money you can get many things accomplished.) Then we see Melanie, Joan, Meg and Mickey and we say, “F*ckin’ damn! What were you thinking?” (Mickey made vomit a little in my mouth in “The Wrestler”.) These people went over the top. They don’t look fresh and younger. They look overdone and on the verge (if not already there) of Cat Eyes. Lips are not that big in nature and should never look painful! They had money too, but something went wrong.
Consult professionals and get multiple opinions. Ask the questions. You cannot turn back time after you go under the knife, so start small and do your research. (Maybe injectables first … just saying. Not that I have done them. You can’t prove it!)
I personally know a lady who is about 40, but looks 50 trying to be 40. She started way too early and has had way too much done. To avoid this being you, try eating healthy, exercising, sleeping, using SPF, limiting the amounts of partying and late nights and don’t stress out all of the time. Skincare is key and it doesn’t need to involve knives or needles. Start out with living well, and you won’t have so much damage control later. When the time is right, move forward with other things, but be careful.
In conclusion, be age appropriate in all you do, b*tches. Use your head and listen to your gut. (No don’t. Just listen to me.) If people are staring at you, and you are an offender in any of these areas, know this, they may be laughing at you and not admiring you. It is simple and sweet. Move with the times and be age appropriate. This will get you a lot more admiration and healthier relationships.
Strive to never look desperate, ridiculous and freakish. Never appear to be someone who pays for “it.” Always strive to look current, fresh and worthy of envy. Okkaay? Questions? I didn’t think so.