COUGARS, FOXES and CAT EYES, OH MY!

DISCLAIMER: Due to illness, schedule conflicts and technical difficulties (aka some how my sh*t got erased after it was almost finished) my latest blog is very late. My sincere apologies to my fans.



Golda Meir once said, “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.” Mind you “she” has the grill of a hobbit who got hit with a rusty shovel.



I have to point out that many people seem to disagree with Miss Meir. The beauty industry makes approximately $160 billion per year, so that’s a lot of cheese that people are willing spend in order to fight the inevitable storm. Beauty is godliness in our society, and the money spent proves that to be true. What makes someone even more beautiful? Youth. Everyone wants to be in their 20s, or at least look like they are in their 20s. (Well a 60 year old might settle for 40 again, but you get what I am saying.) We want less lines, supple skin and firm titties and butts. No? (Mmmm … butts.)



Let me break this sh*t down for ya’ll. When we are hot bitches in our 20s, we are like beach front property in Malibu. (Example: Colby). We are on top of the world when we are young. We get what we want, and we think nothing can go wrong. As we get older, we move further and further away from the beach, and soon we are a double wide in a trailer park in the middle of Wyoming. (The land with more deer than people.) We want to hold on to the power of youth, and people go to great lengths to hold on. The three ways people try to recreate youth are with what they wear, how they alter their appearance and whom they date. I am going to hit on all of these issues, maybe not in that order, and I am going to keep it short and to the point. My opinions are simple on this topic, and bitches I gots something to say.



AGE INAPPROPRIATE DATING



I am not going to beat around the bush. We have seen these couples with huge age gaps. We know it’s not about love, but about ego and arm candy. If you are a 45-year-old-lawyer who has been there and done it all, why are you dating a 20-year-old-undergrad? Please explain to me what you have in common, and tell me how you envision this relationship to play out. Or, why do older men and women date out-of-work “models”? I know that you, with your job, car, house, etc. have a lot in common with such a motivated young person. (Sure.) I know what you have in common … f*cking. You want to feel young and attractive, and if everyone sees what you can get, then you are young and attractive by association.



If it is just sex … cool! More power to you. You are a cougar or a daddy, so own it, and let it be what it is. Don’t try and cover it up with “dating,” because it is not going to go anywhere, and you don’t look more attractive, young or desirable because you have arm candy. You look like a person who never had luck in love or had false ideas of what you wanted or deserved. Now you are stuck. Love is not about having a play-thing or arm candy. A healthy relationship involves things in common, the ability to grow together and many other factors. I challenge you cougs and daddies to grow and find someone age appropriate to date, because the camouflage of someone else’s youth doesn’t work. My rule is normally 10 above and 10 below, so learn it, live it and love it! One final thing … people see you with your arm candy and they don’t think “stud”. They think, “Gurl pays for it!” (Enough said. Peace.)



AGE INAPPROPRIATE CLOTHING



Have you ever been at a shopping center and seen a 40-something woman going into Forever 21, and there’s not a daughter in sight? Anyone? She is, of course, a walking mannequin for the store with complimentary Uggs. (Hot!) Tell me, how is it a store with a Bible verse on its bag can promote such slutty clothing to young women? (John 3:16 … look it up!)



Have you ever seen her male equivalent, a 50-something man with blond highlights walking into Abercrombie and Fitch? You know that homo is there for himself because he is sporting the ever-so-stylish sleeveless t-shirt that reads, “I survived spring break, one bed at a time.” Then you think to yourself, “When the f*ck were you on spring break last?”



Let me speak directly to all of these offenders. No matter if you have Abercrombie or Forever 21 covering your aging body … no one believes you are younger. What you look like is someone trying hard, and someone who has no style of their own. If you are over the age of 30, please develop or find some personal style. You can be current, trendy and comfortable in age appropriate items.



Ladies … stop with the “low rise” and tube tops, and adopt appropriate items into your wardrobe. If we can see C-section scars … too low! I am not saying you have to wear mom jeans or granny panties. You know the kinds that allow you to tuck your titties in them they are so high. (At least you wouldn’t need a bra.) Look stylish and not desperate. This goes for you men too. Stop with the camo cargo shorts (cargo shorts in general), the sleeveless T’s and the overly decorated jeans. Get some sleek, stylish and appropriate jeans.



No one wants to see your 40-something-year-old thong out of your Juicy Couture sweats! No one wants to see you in camo shorts that were intended for a 20-year-old frat boy who over-slept and ran to class! I challenge you to get personal style, and stop buying right off the display. You can look hot for your age, and no one will be talking sh*t behind your back.



Go shopping and move with the times, and stop chasing after years lost. (I am spent.)



INAPPROPRIATE … JUST INAPPROPRIATE AT ALL AGES!



Ok, this is simple. If you are going under the knife, make sure it is with a good doctor, that it is modest and don’t have false ideas of what is actually possible. You want natural and not fake. This goes for all ages, but when older folks do it, and do a major overhaul, it comes out freakish.



I assure you that 95% of patients walk out looking like they were nipped and tucked. Some of these women (or men) have been lifted so many times, that their Brazilians are now a soul patches. (Okkayy?) We all see Michelle, Courtney, Demi and Cindy and think, “Who is her doctor?” We want to be them. We want to age well and look natural while doing it. (Let me say, none of it is natural, but with money you can get many things accomplished.) Then we see Melanie, Joan, Meg and Mickey and we say, “F*ckin’ damn! What were you thinking?” (Mickey made vomit a little in my mouth in “The Wrestler”.) These people went over the top. They don’t look fresh and younger. They look overdone and on the verge (if not already there) of Cat Eyes. Lips are not that big in nature and should never look painful! They had money too, but something went wrong.



Consult professionals and get multiple opinions. Ask the questions. You cannot turn back time after you go under the knife, so start small and do your research. (Maybe injectables first … just saying. Not that I have done them. You can’t prove it!)



I personally know a lady who is about 40, but looks 50 trying to be 40. She started way too early and has had way too much done. To avoid this being you, try eating healthy, exercising, sleeping, using SPF, limiting the amounts of partying and late nights and don’t stress out all of the time. Skincare is key and it doesn’t need to involve knives or needles. Start out with living well, and you won’t have so much damage control later. When the time is right, move forward with other things, but be careful.



In conclusion, be age appropriate in all you do, b*tches. Use your head and listen to your gut. (No don’t. Just listen to me.) If people are staring at you, and you are an offender in any of these areas, know this, they may be laughing at you and not admiring you. It is simple and sweet. Move with the times and be age appropriate. This will get you a lot more admiration and healthier relationships.



Strive to never look desperate, ridiculous and freakish. Never appear to be someone who pays for “it.” Always strive to look current, fresh and worthy of envy. Okkaay? Questions? I didn’t think so.