In the April 2007 issue of Chatelaine, psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman shared his expertise regarding emotional cheating. He states, "It's easier for a couple to get over a one-night stand than an emotional affair." This is because a one-night stand is meaningless and doesn't involve true feelings or personal thoughts. An emotional affair, on the other hand, occurs when deep connections are forged. It's more loving and connected than the physical act of sex.
I am so happy M. Gary Neuman feels this way, and though “experts” may agree, I have a different opinion on this topic. (My opinion is really what you all want to read about, right?) Mr. Neuman has a Ph.D. (isn’t he grand?), but I am f*cking brilliant! Let’s put the “psychology” aside and say it like it is, shall we? Cheating is cheating. If you are screwing with the brain, or with what God gave you down below, it’s all cheating. Cheating and cheaters are very simple to analyze.
I know that this will all seem very bitter, and I know it must sound like a woman scorned, so let me clear some sh*t up. I have never been cheated on, nor have I cheated on someone. I am not some crazy dramatic bitch who wants to go off about men that have done me wrong. I simply have a passionate contempt for cheaters. Cheating annoys me even more then when Big Girls try and play off their size and act like they hardly eat, and are like they are some baby bird or Karen Carpenter. “I am so full. All I had was like a salad today, and I just don’t care for things that are too sweet.” Really? Call your canckles and tell them you only eat “salad.” (Wow! That does sound bitter and mean! Love it!) So, I promised that my blog would have the grit of real life, and though this may be heavy, here is how I feel.
SIDE NOTE: To all of my exes, please don’t contact me and tell me NOW that you actually did cheat. At this point you would just be a major douche-bag. Let us both go to the grave without having to rehash anything from the past. We broke up for a reason, so don’t make me even more right. Deal?
So, the doctor obviously has his credentials, and I have mine. There are three reasons that I am qualified to talk about relationships, and after a month of advice giving, I thought you should know more about me. The first, I have dated a great deal. A tremendous amount if you will. What that means is I have done … a lot of f*cking. (Okaaay?) I have also learned how relationships work, and what healthy communication is all about. The second reason is that I have played matchmaker on many occasions. I will not match people, and put my stamp of approval on them, as a couple, unless I am sure they are a perfect fit. Three of the couples who are results of my expertise have been together over two years. I assume that whatever brown or yellow baby they get from some foreign land will be called Colby. (Boy or girl, it really works. No?) The final reason is I am a god d*mn MTV star! Alright, I may not be a star (yet), but I did play the “Dating Coach/Host” on a few episodes of a horribly pathetic dating show on MTV. It was like Queer Eye fixing a geeky gay guy up on a blind date, but with no budget. I like to think I was chosen for being easy on the eyes, and for knowing a thing or two about dating. Now you know why I am the one to listen to. (Was it up for debate?)
Now, on with the show! I don’t believe that anyone can convince me that there is an acceptable reason that would justify cheating. I was doing some research, and here is how Webster’s defines cheating.
Webster’s Definition of “Cheat”:
1 : to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
2 : to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
3 : to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting
Webster’s knows some stuff about cheating and has it right on all accounts. When a man or a woman cheats, the trollop deprives you (the non-cheater) of your dignity and trust, by using deceit and fraud as weapons. When someone cheats, they deceive and trick their partner, and possibly the person (or people) they have selected to cheat with. Finally, the cheater definitely eludes and tries to outwit all involved, so that his cheating ass is not caught. Do I think cheaters set out to be such dishonest masterminds? No. I think they get horny and feel less than confident, and they make a choice. What happens after the choice is made is where the eluding and deceit really come into play.
Oh, but cheaters try to play it off and make it someone else’s fault. Askmen.com posted the top 10 reasons cheaters give for their actions. Here are the reasons, and how I weigh in. I will try and check the anger a bit. (These “reasons” just show that they are truly poop stains on the underwear of life.)
10. My lady (or man) doesn’t put out.
Me breaking it down: If your partner is not putting out, maybe you should spend the time and energy communicating with them about why they don’t want to have sex and about their needs before you have some other bitch tickle your lonely pickle. Maybe it is you and your newly acquired Beer Gut that is turning him/her off. Seek to understand before being an assh*le!
9. She/he cheated on me first.
Me breaking it down: Wah! Wah! Two wrongs don’t make a right. Maybe you should have ended it when she/he cheated on you, because it sounds like there is lots of sex going on, but not between the two of you. Revenge sex is never the answer, and your relationship is doomed, so let each other go. In addition, please don’t breed because the world has enough assh*oles with sh*t for brains.
8. It’s challenging and exciting.
Me breaking it down: This makes it sound like cheating is some kind of Safari hunt looking for a rare beast with a great rack. Yes, the hunt for a new partner is exciting. New bodies are enticing. New holes are intriguing. I get it all of that. With that being said, when you are in a relationship, you have to keep things exciting. So, if you are off hunting for new prey, you are obviously checked out on the current relationship. End what is not working, especially if you aren’t willing to put the time and effort into the current relationship. Man up and move on, and save the drama and hurt for you both. If you are willing to postpone baring the bone, chart new waters with your partner and pick up a new toy, or try some hot role-playing, or perfect a kinky position. (Two words … Stretch first!)
7. I can get away with it.
Me breaking it down: I think Ted Bundy thought this way too. You may “get away with it” for the time being, but the truth always comes back to bite you in the ass. (Don’t you watch “CSI”?) If you do “get away with it,” what does that make you? King of the dickhead liars? Wow, you are really amazing and should be proud. Grow up, and to quote annoying Bethenny on Real Housewives of New York, “Get a hobby.”
6. It boosts my ego.
Me breaking it down: THIS is what I believe cheating always comes down to. The cheater needs to feel desirable, young and hung, and for some reason he can’t settle for being the focus of only one person. That one person being the person he supposedly loves. He feels that he needs millions of fans like he is some kind of cock-ed out Rock Star. He needs to know he still “has it.” People, true confidence goes without saying and without proving it. The singer Sting has been married to the same woman for many years now, and his confidence is f*ckin’ sexy. He makes my (and her) panties wet … let me tell you. Truly secure and confident men and woman can commit to one person and still be HOT. They don’t need to cheat with every piece of ass that walks by to prove something to the world.
5. The opportunity was there.
Me breaking it down: If your wallet was sitting on a table, and it had $1,000 in it, and I took it, what would you think about that? The opportunity was there and I needed it, so it’s ok? Just because the opportunity comes up, does that mean you have to f*ck someone new? Get a mutha’ f*ckin’ clue! How about you go home and create some new hot possibilities with your current partner, and I assure you that your partner is going to get interested. Everyone wants to feel wanted, so go light the flame in her/his honey pot.
4. My girlfriend (partner) is a nag.
Me breaking it down: Let me tell you something, our partners can feel when things are slipping. They can tell when something is up. The nagging might be their way of figuring things out. It might be her/his way of trying to get you to talk--or even yell--so communication doesn’t die all together. How about you don’t make them nag and express what you really want to say. Just like anyone of us, your partner wants to be acknowledged and listened to.
3. Women (the other man) let me.
Me breaking it down: This is so true. There are always going to be men and women out there who are sexual and have needs. And you can always find a horny son of a bitch who will let you stick it in, or stick it in you. It’s along the same lines as the opportunity being there. We can always make or find opportunity with someone. It doesn’t make it right. Grow up you lying turd!
2. My partner doesn’t turn me on anymore.
Me breaking it down: Who said you f*ckin’ did it for them. When was the last time you flicked their bean or stroked their snake? Maybe your “working late” upset her/him, and yes/he she took part in some emotional eating, which was followed by emotional weight gain. Maybe she had your kids, and has no time to also be your sex toy. Maybe you are a douche bag? How about you find that person you once loved. Go on date nights. Work out together. If you loved your partner once, it is worth trying. Hell, tell them that you want her/him to strap one on and pound you up the backside, if that is what you need in bed! Do that instead of finding your friend’s wife or husband to express that to during the 4th of July BBQ.
1. I don’t love her/him anymore.
Me breaking it down: This is the worst of them all. Be honest with yourself and maybe you will see you never loved her/him to begin with. Maybe you will see it is your issues and low self-esteem that is making you doubt things. Maybe you need to communicate and move on, and figure out what “love” really means to you. Just because you don’t love your partner anymore, doesn’t mean she/he doesn’t love you. She/he is a human being, and love or not, their feelings should matter. Move on, but give her/him the right to move on too.
These excuses make me laugh out loud. The way cheaters think is so narrow and confused with hormones. In his head, because he “wants,” this means he should “have.” If someone said, “I don’t love you anymore; therefore, I had to stick my dick in something else” or, “The guy let me, and I could get away with it.” I would, in addition to beating his ass, laugh in his face. It all comes down to ego and wanting to feel wanted. I tell all my boyfriends up-front, “Be honest with me. If you “need” to cheat and stick it in some other hole, tell me, so that I can make a choice to let you do that with my blessing, or so I can move on.” They don’t get to have their cake and eat it too with me. If two people communicate, then two people can avoid hurting each other.
F*ck me over once … shame on you. F*ck me over twice … shame on me. Unless, I didn’t know about any of the f*cking, and then it is still all on you. (Colby is usually right.)
I always read the gossips magazines and I love that sh*t. I eat that garbage for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I love the pictures and the dirt. If you have been reading these magazines over the last few months, you know all about Sandra and Jessie, Tiger and all the other celebs that are allegedly cheating. I don’t get it. Normally, these men (rarely is it a woman who is caught) have beautiful wives, but it just shows that it is not about getting something better, but proving to themselves they still can get something new. They need to know that they still have game.
You will also notice that they pick horrid women. The kind of women that should come along with some complimentary Penicillin after the BJ. I mean really, Jessie and his Swastika-sporting-skank-is he kidding us with that? That is just disgusting. She has W and P near her cooch. Whether it stands for “White Power,” or “Wet P*ssy,” she is pure trailer. She is a great example, along with all of Tiger’s strippers, that these men are not thinking with the proper head. Go after quality if you are going to do it. Pick women who don’t need to see you out for a quick buck, embarrass everyone involved. Am I wrong people? I feel bad for the wives and partners. Real men and women don’t need such cheap displays to stroke their egos. If they truly cared about their loved one and respected themselves, they would not need to lie and cheat. I would hope that “love” would supersede the stroking of their little egos.
Our whole culture loves scandal, and cheating always gives us a heaping plate of it. “Fatal Attraction” gave it to us on the big screen, and we ate that sh*t up. We love the drama. We put off paying bills. We tell white lies. We cheat on our wives. We do things, maybe subconsciously, that makes us feel like we are taking a risk. How exciting! “Fatal Attraction” should have scared any penis in the audience into submissions especially after the bunny scene and the bathtub scene. (Glenn, you are one crazy bitch!)
There are many related topics that I could weigh in on (and will one day), such as open relationships, once a cheater always a cheater, and staying together for the kids. (Answers: No, most likely and they will be more fucked up in that household if you stay together.) I know there are multiple factors, and each situation is different, but cheating is never acceptable. It hurts people and causes drama that is not needed in anyone’s lives. The outcome is not worth the minutes of thrusting and pumping.
What my message boils down to is that cheaters, or those tempted to cheat, need to get over the egos and communicate their wants and needs or figure out how to get to the bottom of why they are doing this sh*t. If you are meant to live happily ever after with your current partner, work it the f*ck out. If you realize you need to move on, then do so before you make a mistake. If you need it strapped on, then get what you need with the right partner. I am not saying be unhappy, but I am saying be respectful of all parties involved. Your needs don’t get to put your physical wants above someone else’s well-being and emotional health.
Once you are single, go fuck a rabid raccoon while getting your salad tossed by some trashy porn star for all I care. It is your life to mess up if you choose to. You may be okay with living on the Titanic, but don’t take someone else down with you. Single life allows you those freedoms, so be single. But, if you say you love someone and want to be married to, or dating them, then you keep it in your pants, and live up to your word. If ever you get the urge to chase after new tail, or if you aren’t getting something you want at home, then communicate. If you are honest and communicate, things will end up a lot better in the long run. We all know right from wrong, and I don’t think any of us dreamed of growing up to be a douche-cheating liar. Take my boy, Sting, and be true to your word and to the person you say you love.
If you do cheat, man-up and confess, and don’t let Glenn Close boil your bunny instead. Trust when I say, your partner doesn’t want to find out that way.
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