FUCK QUASIMOTO … I WANT MY DAMN UNICORN!

A universal topic that brings out all of the differing opinions from just about anyone you ask is the subject of love. Even those who won’t discuss religion or politics will weigh in on how one needs to go about finding a relationship. How do I find love? Where do I go to meet Mr. Right? Is there such a thing as a Mr. Right? The questions go on and on, and every matchmaker, yenta, grandmother, mother and auntie out there has an opinion on the subject, and each one of them is a self-proclaimed expert. I have met many of these ladies, and they are passionate about the subject of love. Many of them are also controlling bitches. (I’m just saying. Sorry, Auntie.)





Oprah has aired entire episodes on the differences between the sexes. (Of course she has, because we’ve all seen how well it has gone with Gail … I mean, Stedman.) Patti “The Matchmaker” Stanger speaks about the differences all of the time on her reality show. Dr. Ruth, Dear Abby, Dr. Phil and many other old ladies speak about and give advice on romance, marriage, sex and finding the perfect partner. Now, this young lady is going to weigh in on the subject and address the different types of men that are out there in the dating world. It truly is a jungle out there people, so you have to learn how to maneuver around in it like you are in f*ckin’ “Avatar.”




Here is a question I have wrestled with personally: “Does one true love even exist?” I, like many lonely ladies reading this (stroking their cats and eating rolls of cookie dough), wanted to believe that there was such a thing as a “perfect” match for each of us. If I didn’t, I would have to admit that I have been putting out for no reason … many times. (Many, many times.) To defend myself and my actions, Patti Stanger always talks about how men are attracted first physically (aka think with their dicks), so I was just being strategic by putting out. With women you stroke their minds, and with men you stroke their … you get the point. (I still say I am a … lady?) So, yes, I wish there was one perfect match for us all, but I have decided to be realistic, because I think there are many possible matches for each one of us. Like Forrest Gump says, “Life is like a box of chocolates …” and if this is true, my dating life better be Godiva and not f*ckin’ Russell Stover. (You know the brand I am talking about. You see it at Rite Aid with some damn Snoopy toy holding the cheap box of chocolates.) My box has been opened up and I have partaken in the caramels, the creams, the nuts and I still have many to go. Okaaay?




While searching for one of these amazing matches, through-out your dating career you will inevitably encounter the various types of duds that dating world has to offer. I can only speak about dating men because I am not as familiar with the types and classifications of ladies in the dating world. I do know that some would fall into the “slut” and “gold-digger” categories. I am sorry to all of the lesbian and straight men out there for my limited knowledge of women, but read on to make sure you, yourselves, know what category you fall into.




After years of dating, or research, if you will, I have tagged and studied many men. I have communicated with, sampled and measured all of these men. (Like f*ckin’ Gorillas in the Mist.) I have dedicated my young life to science. I have taken many for the team, so that I could pass on my knowledge. What you are about to read, I hope, will enlighten you and will help you to avoid the man I classify as the undatable. Are the dramatics necessary? Hellz ya! (Bitch knows how to entertain.)




The five types of men in the dating world are (could a bitch get a drum roll please): The Player, The Douchebag, The Puppy Dog, The Chameleon and The Unicorn. I know that as many of you read this, you will look back and realize you have sampled some of these types as well along your way. Let me dive in and shed some light on the variations.




The Player




If you read my dating story about little “Peso,” then you know I have encountered this type. He was obviously a Player, just not a good one. I have to admit that I too early on had fallen victim to Players.




This type of man has one goal and one goal only, and that is to get the f*ck off. (Shoot his load! Blow his wad! I think you get it.) He may actually be fun in bed, and you will think he is amazing for giving you one hell of an “O,” but do not attempt to cage and date this man. (He could also turn out to be a 10-second man. Beware!) This man is not mature enough to commit and may never get to that point.




The Player comes in all ages. He knows how to sweet talk. He knows which buttons to push. He will speak a lot about wanting to commit. Listen to your gut, my friend, and stay clear of this type. We all fall victim to The Player at some point, and looking back we knew all along he wasn’t the one. He talks a big game. Many of us have been caught in the sea of possibility, and we drift away from the shore of reality. Once you realize, if you do, you’d better yank the f*ckin’ rope to your little engine and get your boat back to shore.




I say this to those of you who are actually out to find love and a mate. If, though, you know what he is and accept the limits of this one-night relationship, then God bless you, and I hope it turns out to be one hot night! I never said sex with The Player was wrong, but you need to be on the same page for this to not turn out negatively. With time you will be able to spot these men with ease.




The Douchebag




In 2001 I met a muscular, tall, handsome guy with olive complexion, and I will call Douche-Trick. This guy was the clinical definition of a Douche, but because I was newly out, I let it go on for a little while. He talked about himself all of the time and rarely asked me anything. He wanted to get off but was not attentive in return. When he would go out with my friends and I, he would whisper things to me like, “I am only here because you want me to be here.” What it came down to was that he wanted arm candy, and I was top of the line from that department. I ended that shit right after he kept sighing loudly from boredom at a friend’s show that we attended. (Even naive Colbs didn’t play like that.)




This “man” is easy to spot. From the moment you step into this date you will know that this man has a lot of growing up to do. He is all about himself, and you are just a guest in his world. We all could end up dating this guy for a while because of our low self-esteem or we try and overlook his shortcomings.




If you date this man, you will end up annoyed, and it will end. This break up is not usually a nice one. All of the rage and resentment will come out, but The Douchebag doesn’t understand any flaws that exist in him. You get even more p*ssed off because he says something brilliant like, “You’re not even my type.” (After a month of dating.)




We all know him. This is a date where escaping out the window in the bathroom or calling a friend to rescue you is perfectly acceptable ... let him dwell alone in his self-centered pool of douche slop.




The Puppy Dog




Oh, the Puppy Dog boys. My pet, “Fido,” was a very nice guy. Fido was sweet and attentive, and he was very eager. I knew we had issues when his friends came up to me at a bar after date two and they referred to me as their friend’s new boyfriend. The final straw was when he said, “I love you,” on date three. That sh*t had to be snipped in the bud! Fido was sent to the pound.




The Puppy Dog appears to be perfect, at first. You may find his dotting behavior and compliments to be endearing. He is so nice to be around because you feel like a Queen. (Heeey!) Then you realize he is following you around on his leash of codependence. The Puppy Dog needs to sprout a pair before he is datable.




This type is usually identified after spending a little bit of time with him. The break up process can be messy as hell. It is usually emotional and may take several firm “NOs” before he gets that it’s over. He will then go the complete opposite end of the spectrum (Cujo) and demand things like the 12 mixed CDs he made you in seven days have to be returned. My advice is you FedEx that sh*t back and change your number.




P.S. His friends will also hate you because you “hurt” their friend. Boo hoo!




The Chameleon




My only Chameleon was a wonderful guy. I will refer to him as “M.” M was a nice guy. He was great on paper and was very cute. After a few weeks, I realized M had started to talk to my friends on the side, was eating how I was eating (the Raw Food lifestyle), and was complimenting me all of the time. He was changing to be what he thought I wanted him to be. He was acting like me, and I am not into dating myself.




The Chameleon is similar to the Puppy Dog, but he doesn’t know how to be himself when dating. He doesn’t want to screw anything up, and combining this with low self-esteem, he molds himself into a reflection of the other person. He doesn’t want to make waves and upset the person he is dating because that could bring an end to the relationship.




This trickster is the most difficult to spot because it takes some time to notice these changes. Once you do, you may be able to talk to him about the situation and encourage him to move in a direction that would allow him to be himself. If he is open enough and mature enough, things could change and be salvaged. Be aware that this can also backfire into some “Single White Female” sh*t. In my opinion, give a little nudge, but see how he reacts, and most likely you move on.




The Unicorn




Like I said in the beginning, I don’t believe in the idea of one perfect match in your lifetime. I believe you will meet a few amazing loves (if you are a lucky lady), and each will bring joy to your life. The Unicorn is “Mr. Perfect.” These men are Gerard Butler in, “P.S. I Love You.” (He ruined me for any other man.) The Unicorn will bring you laughter, happiness, affection and found memories. You will learn a great deal in these types of relationships. The Unicorn embodies the full package and should be held onto and experienced to the fullest.




In my life I have had several amazing boyfriends. Looking back I cannot say I was in “True Love,” and these men were not my mystical Unicorn, but I know they are, or will be, someone else’s perfect match.




You will know-I hope this is true-him when you find him, so keep your eyes and hearts open. These men are few and far between.




So, be careful out there. In the movies there are relationships like in “Revolutionary Road,” “Sleeping With the Enemy” and “American Psycho.” Those are the kind of relationships that we want to avoid. Those end negatively and most of the time we get jacked up physically and emotionally while in them. (Gurl, if you remember little Julia running for her d*mn life … shooot.) Then we see movies like “Titanic” and “Pretty Woman” and we fall in love with the idea of “true love.” We are ready to brave sinking ships while working as a prostitute just to meet the man of our dreams. (I loved me some Leo, but f*ck that, I am letting goooo and jumping into a heated blanket on a life boat. Okaaay?)




When on a date, trust your instincts and take care of yourself. Why waste your time with the wrong one, just to have someone in your life? Move on and keep your eyes forward so that you don’t miss what is coming down the road. There are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say, but you have to be selective about what you keep and what you throw back. There are a lot more puffer-fish, bottom-dwellers, eels and sharks compared to the lovely dolphins. Learn how to tell the difference quickly.




If this doesn’t make you think about dating in a different way, let me leave you with a little piece of information I was going to leave out. There is a sixth man on the dating scene. He is … The Creeper. I have seen more Creepers in my time then any other kind. Luckily, it is rare to end up on an actual date with a Creeper, but if you do, get the f*ck out! One of my favorite Creeper stories was when an older man came up to me with a drink at a club. I saw him coming and I tried to play it cool. He said to me, “I brought this over to you.” I was svelte, 22 and new on the scene. This was normal, but I was not going to take some Ruffie on the Rocks from this sex offender-looking Creeper. I told him I didn’t drink and tried to get my friends’ attention. He then said, “You’re cute. You remind me of my nephew.” (Eeew!) Oh yes, ladies, he sure did. I didn’t say a word, but I sure did walk away. The Creeper is an opportunistic lowlife who will pay for it, if the ruffies don’t work on guys like me.




Use you head. Be prepared to take care of business. Trust your gut. If you do those things, then you will be fine. Happy dating!